The Singing Bridge

This is the "Singing Bridge" in Frankfort, KY.

Thanksgiving 2008 was wonderful. It was a little different for me this year, as it was the first time I didn't spend the holiday with my own family. Instead, I spent it with my boyfriend's family in Kentucky. I met new friends, and was kindly welcomed into his family. I have many things to be thankful for.

My boyfriend's mother is so sweet and welcoming. Upon our arrival, we had gift baskets in our rooms. She enclosed a heartfelt note titled "Things to Be Thankful for." Just a little something to put things in perspective.

Things to Be Thankful for - by Ann Landers:

Be thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means you have enough to eat.

Be thankful for the mess you clean up after a party, because it means you have been surrounded by friends.

Be thankful for the taxes you pay, because it means you're employed.

Be thankful that your lawn needs mowing and your windows need fixing, because it means you have a home.

Be thankful for your heating bill, because it means you are warm.

Be thankful for the laundry, because it means you have clothes to wear.

Be thankful for the space you find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means you can walk.

Be thankful for the lady who sings off-key behind you in church, because it means you can hear.

Be thankful when people complain about the government, because it means we have freedom of speech.

Be thankful for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means you're alive.

Just a little something for perspective, and to remind you of all of the many blessings in your life. I am so thankful for my family, friends, new friends and the singing bridge in KY. Thanksgiving 2008 will always hold a special place in my memory box.

Perspective

It has been a long time since I've sat down and written on this site. 4 months actually. I used to equate not writing in my journal as meaning I was happy. Dare I admit, I've been in unchartered waters since my last posting in April. I'm happy! Why do I feel like I immediately need to type knock-on-wood.

NASCAR Livin,' which is my friend's reference to these random marvels that I reveal to only a select list of friends, has been neglected. I've been spending my spare time with my boyfriend. Typing that very word just made me feel like the character Rose from the movie In Her Shoes. Remember the scene when Rose (Toni Collette) tells her best friend Amy, whom is played by the actress best known for screaming in a water well in Silence of the Lambs. I'm off on a tangent, sorry, back to my original point. Remember the scene where she over-emphasizes the word boyfriend and keeps referencing her real-life, adult boyfriend? That's what typing that word makes me think of. Sounds so cliche, but I'm fearful I have turned into one of those girls that would rather just hang out at home with her boyfriend, rather then force a contrived "girls' night out." My, my how things have changed.

I've been enjoying every day, embracing my little random city, and trying not to sweat the small stuff. I keep thanking my lucky stars too that he didn't kick me to the curb when I was dragging my feet in the beginning of our relationship (hence my last entry).

On a more serious note, and why I felt most compelled to write tonight... I had a pretty somber day at work today, as a tragedy has hit close to home. I wanted to express my gratitude for the many blessings in my life and acknowledge a family in need right now.

The Senior VP in my old department lost his youngest son this past weekend. He was only 15 years old. He was seriously injured in a football game. He suffered from a head injury, and sadly passed peacefully on Sunday. It is absolutely heart-breaking, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer family. My heart goes out to this man and his family. He is such a genuine, inspiring leader, and family-man, whom challenges his employees both professionally and personally. He stresses the importance of work, life, balance and implements it himself. He has always amazed me by his approachable, down-to-earth nature, even at such a high level. I feel so saddened and sorry for his family. This is such a devastating loss. It sounds like his son Matt was a true angel while living on earth during his short time. My thoughts and prayers are with him and his family during this time. This one just hits close to home and truly puts things in perspective.

I pray God helps them through this trying time, and helps give them the strength to prevail. Life is so very precious, each and every day. It just reiterates the importance of letting your loved ones know how much they mean to you. I know God has a plan for each and every one of us, but it's Matt's loved ones left behind that I am worried about. All those young high school kids, football players, coaches, teachers, his family, the community. Many lives have been forever changed.

Dear Lord, please take care of Matt's family in this time of sorrow and sadness. Please welcome Matt with open arms into heaven.

1/2 Price Wine Night

My favorite wine bar, on the more "retro" side of town, offers 1/2 price wine nights (by the glass) every Wednesday night. I am a huge fan! Tonight I met a friend of a friend for a few glasses and girl chat. Life is kinda random....

I say that because I met this friend through someone that I recently dated in town. The relationship fizzled, but our friendship has remained. Kinda weird how that happens. You meet people through the most random circumstances, and actually develop real friendships.

I haven't blogged in ages. It's definitely been a random few months. I'm not even sure where to begin. Bare with me, as I definitely took advantage of 1/2 price wine night!

Things are good in my random city. Dare I even admit out loud, I'm content and happy. Last I wrote, I had involved myself in a somewhat toxic situation, with Mr. Dreamy.... only to discover Mr. Dreamy was cheating on me, and had a huge alcoholism problem. I learned tonight that his problem is more severe than I realized, but it isn't my problem anymore. My mom said those words to me the other night when I referenced him for the first time in awhile. It's not my problem, and I need to remember that.

I've actually met a seemingly normal, attentive, genuine, kind, affectionate boy.... and it's taken me 5 weeks to appreciate his wonderful qualities. Why is that I've become jaded? I feel it's some times safer to care about someone unobtainable, or self-destructive, who's never going to give me what I want.... rather than care about someone that might actually give me everything I've ever dreamed of or hoped for? I've been struggling with this lately.

We had a come-to-Jesus (forgive me Lord for using that word) talk the other night and he literally said, "What is so terrible about being my girlfriend?" How do you explain to someone that it isn't him, at all, that it's clearly me, and my issues. How do you explain to someone that it's easier to be alone, and love the wrong people, than to be with the right person? That doesn't make sense and isn't logical. I don't come from a broken family, I shouldn't type such things.

I bounced from one situation to the next, and never landed in between. I am admitting that, at least to my blog. I was magnetically drawn to someone toxic, and thought I could save him. It has taken me awhile to absorb all that I felt, and all that I witnessed. Honestly, it's taken me awhile to forget him, regardless of his toxins.

I am trying so hard not to run from what is right in front of me, and to not let Mr. Toxic screw this up for me anymore. Why is it that a missed call from him at 2:08am on Saturday doesn't scream bootie call to me, it screams loneliness. Sadly, I still care about his well-being. I still believe there is good in him.

It's not my problem anymore.... I'm repeating those words out loud until I believe it.

Again, it was 1/2 price wine night.

I Believe.... words to live by....

I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for whom we become.

I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in awhile and you must forgive them for that.

I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe that you can keep going, long after you think you can't.

I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Pony-Up

I've been using that phrase lately. po·ny up - to transfer possession of something concrete or abstract to somebody. I use my own lingo at times, usually out of context though. Pony-Up. I said those two words yesterday to someone I care about. I just wish he'd pony-up. But my words don't seem to resonate, and I can't continue to bang my head against a closed door.

It's absolutely beautiful outside right now, and I'm still in my pjs. I'm pretending like I'm Carrie Bradshaw today. Sitting with my laptop, typing the trials and tribulations of my own life. Only what I witnessed last night didn't even make an actual episode of Sex & the City. I can't bare to publish the self-destructive behavior I witnessed yet again. I've even been selective with which friends I've chosen to be honest with and share.

I feel like I’m on some self-destructive path … not stimulated by anything, and I keep seeking outside things to give me internal fulfillment. I feel so stuck – and that’s something that I’m not used to. I’m used to jet-setting and spending time with my family and friends, and making memories. I feel like I’m constantly bored here – which makes me THINK, which results in self-pity parties.

I want a tennis racquet, I want to volunteer, I want a new job downtown, I want, I want, I want… and none of that will help equate to feeling valued or respected.

I don't understand how some people can just cruise through life at 100 mph ,never stopping to really get it. Some people just coast on by, never stopping to think about how their actions impact others.

Often times, it's very easy to confuse physical attraction with a real connection. Admittingly, I'm not emotionally stimulated by him, but geezuz, I am drawn to him. I don’t think I have ever had this before… now I know why I should just stick with my usual boy-next-door-types. The overly good-looking types never had to develop the character of real, solid man.

I guess I just wanted him to realize what he had, and I wanted him to pony-up, but he’s not going to… Clearly, I've been ignoring #4 on my Bucket List (see below).

I re-stumbled across this quote the other day, and I'm repeating it out loud. "Hope is the feeling that you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” (by Jean Kerr). Somehow this line gives me hope. Now that I've unleashed my unspoken thoughts into cyberspace, and am highly doubting anyone will ever read this.... I'm going to motivate and get out of my pjs.

Mental Health Day

We're all entitled to a Mental Health Day. I'm trying not to feel guilty for taking a personal day. I haven't had a day off since Christmas and my company isn't very gracious with their vacation policy. Honestly, I just needed a day to work through some things, and there's nothing more theraputic than taking a long walk on a beautiful morning, and just enjoying the sunshine and fresh air.

Last week was emotionally draining. I felt like I was stuck in a bad Lifetime movie. A complex friend of mine ended up in the hospital for binge drinking, combined with mixing prescription meds and Benadryl. He's seriously lucky to be alive. The actual event itself isn't what scares me, it's the self-destructive behavior that led to the event that truly has me concerned.

I know that life isn't always easy. Most of us are pretty complex and semi-jaded.l have issues, you probably issues, who doesn't have issues? My friend sent out a sarcastic e-mail the other day saying that she has finally figured out why our generation is having such a hard time being happy. The problem is that when growing up, we didn't have the Summer Infant Soothing Spa and Shower Baby Bath!! I'm not even sure what that is.... but she said our parents got it all wrong. Didn't they realize that we needed hundreds of clothes and baby toys galore all before we were the age of 1 to truly be happy? And here we all are, 30 years later, suffering as the result. She was only trying to make herself feel better, but maybe she's onto something.

My 2008 "Bucket List"

Well, 2007 is nearing the end. This year flew by at times, yet moved in slow motion at others. I had my one-year-relocation-cost-commitment with my company looming over me. When 7-31-07 arrived I celebrated. No more anxiety over having to pay back my company the cost of relocating me here if things didn't pan out with the job. I served my time, and I was finally free.

I grew a lot this past year. I mean, I think we all grow and evolve constantly as individuals, but for me, this past year especially. Not to toot my own horn, but a dear friend recently complimented me by saying that I am "brave" and that I just keep "trying things out until they fit." I moved to this new city solely for a job. I didn't know a single person living here. I had a handful of names and email addresses to contact once I arrived, but honestly, I took a giant leap of faith. I'm such a creature whom thrives from being surrounded by my family and my most favorite people. I am stimulated by my surroundings and the environment. Truthfully, moving to a new city for my career was out of character. It's never been about my career. That actually ranks low on my priority list.

I gained more perspective this year, and am so thankful for my many blessings. I finally let go of someone that I thought would always be a part of my life. I came to terms with the reality of our situation, and I healed on my own, even without closure. I even managed to find a new crush, and feel something good again. I am thankful for the experience and from the lesson learned. I also had the best birthday party of my life. My 30-60 party that I shared with my father. It was a kick'n good time, celebrating with my most favorite people all in one place. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful family and amazing friendships. On a more somber note, I lost my nana this year. I know we all lose loved ones, and grandparents naturally pass on first, but she was my last living grandparent. It almost felt like an end of an era.

Why is it that at the end of every year we stop and evaluate where we are, who we are, and what we're hopeful for in the new year ahead? We make new years resolutions. We reach out to old friends if we've allowed time and distance to get in the way. We try to mend relationships and form bridges to let people in.

I've decided not to make a resolution this year. In past, I've tried to exercise more frequently, eat healthier, be a better pen-pal, see my parents more often, stop drinking soda, and vowel to take more trips. I feel like I am currently doing these things so instead I'm making a "Bucket List." I stole that idea from a movie that's being released soon. I'm creating a list of things I want to do and experience in 2008.

With that, here's my Bucket List:

1. Take trips because I want to (not b/c I feel obligated). Maybe even go to Europe (I haven't been back since 1999)

2. Work on my photography portfolio

3. Move to a new city because I want to live there (not b/c of the job opportunity)

4. Fall in love with the right person

5. Write a business plan for my card company (stop buying cards and start creating my own line)

6. Listen to NPR more frequently

7. Read more intelligent books, read less fluff

8. Visit my beloved city, San Francisco, more frequently no matter how much it costs

9. Become a better cook and learn my mother's secret Italian recipes. Make my pasta noodles from scratch.

10. Write and actually submit my work

11. Pay off my Visa credit card bill

12. Volunteer at an Assisted Living facility

Every new year is a gift and a chance to do better. Here's to "trying things out until they fit" in 2008!