Pony-Up

I've been using that phrase lately. po·ny up - to transfer possession of something concrete or abstract to somebody. I use my own lingo at times, usually out of context though. Pony-Up. I said those two words yesterday to someone I care about. I just wish he'd pony-up. But my words don't seem to resonate, and I can't continue to bang my head against a closed door.

It's absolutely beautiful outside right now, and I'm still in my pjs. I'm pretending like I'm Carrie Bradshaw today. Sitting with my laptop, typing the trials and tribulations of my own life. Only what I witnessed last night didn't even make an actual episode of Sex & the City. I can't bare to publish the self-destructive behavior I witnessed yet again. I've even been selective with which friends I've chosen to be honest with and share.

I feel like I’m on some self-destructive path … not stimulated by anything, and I keep seeking outside things to give me internal fulfillment. I feel so stuck – and that’s something that I’m not used to. I’m used to jet-setting and spending time with my family and friends, and making memories. I feel like I’m constantly bored here – which makes me THINK, which results in self-pity parties.

I want a tennis racquet, I want to volunteer, I want a new job downtown, I want, I want, I want… and none of that will help equate to feeling valued or respected.

I don't understand how some people can just cruise through life at 100 mph ,never stopping to really get it. Some people just coast on by, never stopping to think about how their actions impact others.

Often times, it's very easy to confuse physical attraction with a real connection. Admittingly, I'm not emotionally stimulated by him, but geezuz, I am drawn to him. I don’t think I have ever had this before… now I know why I should just stick with my usual boy-next-door-types. The overly good-looking types never had to develop the character of real, solid man.

I guess I just wanted him to realize what he had, and I wanted him to pony-up, but he’s not going to… Clearly, I've been ignoring #4 on my Bucket List (see below).

I re-stumbled across this quote the other day, and I'm repeating it out loud. "Hope is the feeling that you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” (by Jean Kerr). Somehow this line gives me hope. Now that I've unleashed my unspoken thoughts into cyberspace, and am highly doubting anyone will ever read this.... I'm going to motivate and get out of my pjs.