1/2 Price Wine Night

My favorite wine bar, on the more "retro" side of town, offers 1/2 price wine nights (by the glass) every Wednesday night. I am a huge fan! Tonight I met a friend of a friend for a few glasses and girl chat. Life is kinda random....

I say that because I met this friend through someone that I recently dated in town. The relationship fizzled, but our friendship has remained. Kinda weird how that happens. You meet people through the most random circumstances, and actually develop real friendships.

I haven't blogged in ages. It's definitely been a random few months. I'm not even sure where to begin. Bare with me, as I definitely took advantage of 1/2 price wine night!

Things are good in my random city. Dare I even admit out loud, I'm content and happy. Last I wrote, I had involved myself in a somewhat toxic situation, with Mr. Dreamy.... only to discover Mr. Dreamy was cheating on me, and had a huge alcoholism problem. I learned tonight that his problem is more severe than I realized, but it isn't my problem anymore. My mom said those words to me the other night when I referenced him for the first time in awhile. It's not my problem, and I need to remember that.

I've actually met a seemingly normal, attentive, genuine, kind, affectionate boy.... and it's taken me 5 weeks to appreciate his wonderful qualities. Why is that I've become jaded? I feel it's some times safer to care about someone unobtainable, or self-destructive, who's never going to give me what I want.... rather than care about someone that might actually give me everything I've ever dreamed of or hoped for? I've been struggling with this lately.

We had a come-to-Jesus (forgive me Lord for using that word) talk the other night and he literally said, "What is so terrible about being my girlfriend?" How do you explain to someone that it isn't him, at all, that it's clearly me, and my issues. How do you explain to someone that it's easier to be alone, and love the wrong people, than to be with the right person? That doesn't make sense and isn't logical. I don't come from a broken family, I shouldn't type such things.

I bounced from one situation to the next, and never landed in between. I am admitting that, at least to my blog. I was magnetically drawn to someone toxic, and thought I could save him. It has taken me awhile to absorb all that I felt, and all that I witnessed. Honestly, it's taken me awhile to forget him, regardless of his toxins.

I am trying so hard not to run from what is right in front of me, and to not let Mr. Toxic screw this up for me anymore. Why is it that a missed call from him at 2:08am on Saturday doesn't scream bootie call to me, it screams loneliness. Sadly, I still care about his well-being. I still believe there is good in him.

It's not my problem anymore.... I'm repeating those words out loud until I believe it.

Again, it was 1/2 price wine night.

I Believe.... words to live by....

I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for whom we become.

I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in awhile and you must forgive them for that.

I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe that you can keep going, long after you think you can't.

I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Pony-Up

I've been using that phrase lately. po·ny up - to transfer possession of something concrete or abstract to somebody. I use my own lingo at times, usually out of context though. Pony-Up. I said those two words yesterday to someone I care about. I just wish he'd pony-up. But my words don't seem to resonate, and I can't continue to bang my head against a closed door.

It's absolutely beautiful outside right now, and I'm still in my pjs. I'm pretending like I'm Carrie Bradshaw today. Sitting with my laptop, typing the trials and tribulations of my own life. Only what I witnessed last night didn't even make an actual episode of Sex & the City. I can't bare to publish the self-destructive behavior I witnessed yet again. I've even been selective with which friends I've chosen to be honest with and share.

I feel like I’m on some self-destructive path … not stimulated by anything, and I keep seeking outside things to give me internal fulfillment. I feel so stuck – and that’s something that I’m not used to. I’m used to jet-setting and spending time with my family and friends, and making memories. I feel like I’m constantly bored here – which makes me THINK, which results in self-pity parties.

I want a tennis racquet, I want to volunteer, I want a new job downtown, I want, I want, I want… and none of that will help equate to feeling valued or respected.

I don't understand how some people can just cruise through life at 100 mph ,never stopping to really get it. Some people just coast on by, never stopping to think about how their actions impact others.

Often times, it's very easy to confuse physical attraction with a real connection. Admittingly, I'm not emotionally stimulated by him, but geezuz, I am drawn to him. I don’t think I have ever had this before… now I know why I should just stick with my usual boy-next-door-types. The overly good-looking types never had to develop the character of real, solid man.

I guess I just wanted him to realize what he had, and I wanted him to pony-up, but he’s not going to… Clearly, I've been ignoring #4 on my Bucket List (see below).

I re-stumbled across this quote the other day, and I'm repeating it out loud. "Hope is the feeling that you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” (by Jean Kerr). Somehow this line gives me hope. Now that I've unleashed my unspoken thoughts into cyberspace, and am highly doubting anyone will ever read this.... I'm going to motivate and get out of my pjs.

Mental Health Day

We're all entitled to a Mental Health Day. I'm trying not to feel guilty for taking a personal day. I haven't had a day off since Christmas and my company isn't very gracious with their vacation policy. Honestly, I just needed a day to work through some things, and there's nothing more theraputic than taking a long walk on a beautiful morning, and just enjoying the sunshine and fresh air.

Last week was emotionally draining. I felt like I was stuck in a bad Lifetime movie. A complex friend of mine ended up in the hospital for binge drinking, combined with mixing prescription meds and Benadryl. He's seriously lucky to be alive. The actual event itself isn't what scares me, it's the self-destructive behavior that led to the event that truly has me concerned.

I know that life isn't always easy. Most of us are pretty complex and semi-jaded.l have issues, you probably issues, who doesn't have issues? My friend sent out a sarcastic e-mail the other day saying that she has finally figured out why our generation is having such a hard time being happy. The problem is that when growing up, we didn't have the Summer Infant Soothing Spa and Shower Baby Bath!! I'm not even sure what that is.... but she said our parents got it all wrong. Didn't they realize that we needed hundreds of clothes and baby toys galore all before we were the age of 1 to truly be happy? And here we all are, 30 years later, suffering as the result. She was only trying to make herself feel better, but maybe she's onto something.

My 2008 "Bucket List"

Well, 2007 is nearing the end. This year flew by at times, yet moved in slow motion at others. I had my one-year-relocation-cost-commitment with my company looming over me. When 7-31-07 arrived I celebrated. No more anxiety over having to pay back my company the cost of relocating me here if things didn't pan out with the job. I served my time, and I was finally free.

I grew a lot this past year. I mean, I think we all grow and evolve constantly as individuals, but for me, this past year especially. Not to toot my own horn, but a dear friend recently complimented me by saying that I am "brave" and that I just keep "trying things out until they fit." I moved to this new city solely for a job. I didn't know a single person living here. I had a handful of names and email addresses to contact once I arrived, but honestly, I took a giant leap of faith. I'm such a creature whom thrives from being surrounded by my family and my most favorite people. I am stimulated by my surroundings and the environment. Truthfully, moving to a new city for my career was out of character. It's never been about my career. That actually ranks low on my priority list.

I gained more perspective this year, and am so thankful for my many blessings. I finally let go of someone that I thought would always be a part of my life. I came to terms with the reality of our situation, and I healed on my own, even without closure. I even managed to find a new crush, and feel something good again. I am thankful for the experience and from the lesson learned. I also had the best birthday party of my life. My 30-60 party that I shared with my father. It was a kick'n good time, celebrating with my most favorite people all in one place. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful family and amazing friendships. On a more somber note, I lost my nana this year. I know we all lose loved ones, and grandparents naturally pass on first, but she was my last living grandparent. It almost felt like an end of an era.

Why is it that at the end of every year we stop and evaluate where we are, who we are, and what we're hopeful for in the new year ahead? We make new years resolutions. We reach out to old friends if we've allowed time and distance to get in the way. We try to mend relationships and form bridges to let people in.

I've decided not to make a resolution this year. In past, I've tried to exercise more frequently, eat healthier, be a better pen-pal, see my parents more often, stop drinking soda, and vowel to take more trips. I feel like I am currently doing these things so instead I'm making a "Bucket List." I stole that idea from a movie that's being released soon. I'm creating a list of things I want to do and experience in 2008.

With that, here's my Bucket List:

1. Take trips because I want to (not b/c I feel obligated). Maybe even go to Europe (I haven't been back since 1999)

2. Work on my photography portfolio

3. Move to a new city because I want to live there (not b/c of the job opportunity)

4. Fall in love with the right person

5. Write a business plan for my card company (stop buying cards and start creating my own line)

6. Listen to NPR more frequently

7. Read more intelligent books, read less fluff

8. Visit my beloved city, San Francisco, more frequently no matter how much it costs

9. Become a better cook and learn my mother's secret Italian recipes. Make my pasta noodles from scratch.

10. Write and actually submit my work

11. Pay off my Visa credit card bill

12. Volunteer at an Assisted Living facility

Every new year is a gift and a chance to do better. Here's to "trying things out until they fit" in 2008!

Fall is Here

It's been a long time since I've blogged. It's becoming the thing to do. I keep getting sent links from friends to check out their latest blog entry. People blog about all sorts of things...i.e. building a house, being preggers or traveling overseas! I've kept my blog a secret for months..... someone might discover my random thoughts soon :-)

Fall has officially set in here in random NC. I took a bunch of pics during my stroll through my neighborhood this morning. The leaves are changing. I love this time of year. I'm looking forward to the upcoming holidays, going home and spending time with my family and old friends. It has been 6 months since I've been home.

Things I'm thankful for this year:

1. My family - everyone has their health and we're all able to celebrate the upcoming holidays together

2. My new job - I'm FINALLY breaking out of media!!!!

3. I'm over the one-year hump in my new zip code and this place has completely grown on me!

Alright, I'm signing off. I've got an early Monday morning meeting tomorrow. I'll try to be a better blogger... now that everyone is doing it!!! I've gotta keep up w/ the rest of them.

Spring Fever

I forgot how much I enjoyed spring time. Tis the season - it has officially arrived. There's something about sunshine, warmth and daylight-savings that puts me in a good mood. I can hear the birds chirping outside this morning, as I drink my morning coffee and type. I'm gearing up for my a.m. walk, but currently waiting on my new shuffle to charge.

I had dinner last night with an extremely diverse group of women. The ages ranged from mid-20's to mid-50's. I happened to sit next to the most eccentric one in the group. She exuded such positive energy, and had quite a spiritual aura about her. I envy her, as she just quit corporate america and is pursuing her true passion of Feng Shui. She's proof that it's never too late to pursue your true passion in life, and make it your livelihood.

Manifest positive energy. She kept repeating those words to me. There's been all this hype about The Secret lately. Have you heard of this philosophy? I haven't watched the dvd yet (my aunt sent me a copy), but I've been told The Secret transforms lives - if you choose to live it. My new friend referenced The Secret as well. I guess I better figure out how to hook up my dvd player and watch this soon. I do believe in it though, to some extent. If you exude positive energy - I think the universe will give it back to you. My new friend spoke of my "Saturn return" ending, and that I'm now approaching my Power Year. I had heard of the Saturn return prior to last nights dinner conversation, as I accredit that theory as being one of the influences that led me back east last year. But I wasn't familiar with my power year approaching.

On that note, I've got Spring Fever, and the sunshine awaits me. Maybe I'll Feng Shui my apartment in honor of my newfound friend, and to welcome my Power Year!